If you cant beat them....Don't Join them

So the baby is born and the book is opened. Then the priest says 'Ok babies name must start with letters U, V, Z'...whatever. So now you know, if you gort terrible names blame the priest.Names like, THAMEN, SIVAN, MARIEMUTHU etc

Then the baby is around 40 days old, still trying to take into this new world and what we go and do.

1. Shave their hair off their heads....hence the Nine boy look

2. Put thick thick kajol in the eyes....Now I know why so many Charous are blind and why we like bright bright colours.

3. Bang one brass tray with a spoon next to their ears....Now you also know why we listen to so loud music

4. Put one 22 Karat gold bracelet on the hand...Hence the thick thick dog chains we wear on our hands. Like my bra Thamen (One blinged black ugly charou) At night you only see the bracelet moving.

5. Intoxicate the baby with Lobaan....we get used to smoking foreign stuff from a young age

6. Attach one Pen Knife to you....hence the violence in us (hold me ekse, you know who I am eh you know who I am. My mother put lobaan for your father, and you pumping your mouth ye!)

7. Feed your mother with thitha thitha chow, and then she breastfeeds the baby....hence the brown tan, cos all your cells gort burnt

So when a baby is born in the family, the Couzies already know, here’s a Chuttey Jol coming our way. Free chow, limited dop’s and hours of gossip amongst the men and women.

You heard Shushi, how that one’s daughter pulled out one brand new BMW from the box. Who bought new car Rheena? That one man, Mistry's daughter Varooosha. Apparently she earning double digit salary now.

And the ballies....

Hey maam, what happened to that ou, I check he dont like to pull in by the possie no more. And my vrou chooned me he’s dopping it up one way now.
I’m sure he gort some maache (money) problems.

Anyways, now that the gossip is on and the action is happening.

The Ma pulls in with the new born. Grand entrance, brand new sari specially bought by her ma from India. The new born is slaaning one pokey outfit brought from Singapore by the Poowa. So these people are doing well.

And must just ask ONCE, or tell it one time. Soo nice sari you wearing...then you must sit back and here the whole Khatha about the sari and how they bought it.

After a while the first Aunty vyes to carry the child, and the first words. So pretty the baby, mera nana muna bacha, who troubling the baby (Now the only person troubling the baby is you, you old cow, with your annoying voice)

Then she goes on to say, ooohhh the baby look just like the fathers family, but she will say this in front of the mothers side family and then vice versa. Just to cause some sparks.

Charou’s yawl are too hot to handle.

Eh boy go bring one 2lt coke and come by Sureel’s Mercedes Benz with sportspack.

JHB Charou

Can't Beat Us

You know, with the price of petrol nowadays, I am getting squeezed dry. Up, down, up, down, up, down... every day I'm vying to the hospital to check the ma-in-law, who needed a leg op. I dare not ask the vrou to skip a day. You know what that will be like! Anyway, medical aid and all, she's relaxing in Umhlanga hospital.
My family troops in, waving at connections, all heading for the same ward. As we entered, the facial xpressions on those (white) patients and their visitors was one of shock. "Is this an invasion?" they must have been thinking. They only had one, maybe two, and in some cases, no visitors, but for the charou patients - there was a dozen around each bed.

Before long (someone must have branted us), the guard appeared at the ward entrance: "Three visitors per patient," he said with authority, and we meekly trekked off to the lounge area. But there was no place to sit. Seems like this poisa (police in isiZulu) had already made his rounds in the other wards. Every seat had a charou warming its expensive looking leather.

"Where's Bommie," someone asked (not her real identity, to protect blowing her cover)."The three daughters stayed behind with ma in the ward, so where's Bommie?"

It was later revealed, when the time came for a visitor change, that Bommie turned around and started talking to the lonely patient in the next bed, as the poisa did his round (sheer brilliance!).

So, next time you have to go visit hospitals, take a tip from Bommie, and more of you can get in. You can't beat a charou!

Anyway, I am sure that these hospital lahnees (many of them are charou doctors) know that we have close-knit families. Why don't they have a special ward for us? I know they can't segregate by race, since it will be against the constitution and all, but maybe they can call it a "Big Family Ward".

Invariably all charous will end up in this ward. Maybe we can share the breyani and chops chutney and borrow some of the next-bed auntie's podina chutney. Just the other day, I ended up with a bowl of "sugarcane" herbs and rice for starters topped with "running fowl" curry.

Yah, us charous are like that. And if any connection didn't vie and visit the ol' lady in hospital, the talk will be: "Yah, they only know to come sing and cry when it's too late."

Dear Dr.Phil,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my vrou has been jolling. The usual signs. The phone rings, but if Ianswer, the caller hangs up.

My vrou has been vying out with her graafing stekkies at span recently, although when I ask their names she always tunes, "Just some friends from work. You don't know them." I sometimes stay awake to look out for her lift coming posie, but she always comes walking up the driveway. As I hear the sound of a cab leaving, around the corner, as if she has got out and walked the rest ofthe way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?

I once picked up her cell phone a Nokia N95, just to check what time it was and Ayoo! she vyed tananas,completely berserk. She quickly grabbed the phone out of my hand and vloeked me blind, accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I never brought the subject up with my vrou. I think deep down, I just didn'twant to know the truth, but last night she vyed out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my BMW 330i sportspack, M3 mirrors, Fosgate sound and Nos next to the garage and then duck behind it so I could get a lukker view of the street around the corner when she came way posie. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Golf that I noticed a small amount of brake fluid leaking from the rear brake drum. So, tune me is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it to the garage?

Yours truly

Minesh

(but my Bra's call me MINI)

GUJARATI

G - gentle or gandu

U - understanding or unbalanced

J - jolly or jutho

A - adorable or a!s^ole

R - royal or randwo

A - aggresive or arrogant

T - tough or tatu

I - intelligent or idiot

This much quality - only 1 nation has, Yes, its GUJARATI...
Gujju Premi: Darling mera kaan ma koi halki, koi naram, koi namkin thhi, Koi mithi vaat kaho!
Premika: DHOKLA

Gujarati Pronunciation Dictionary:

Sano...........Snow
Egg-joss.......Exhaust
Fota...........Photos
Lipti..........Lipstick
Phast..........Fast
Phlowur........Flower
Gilas..........Glass
Palty..........Party
Gorment........Government
Peeja..........Pizza
Punch..........Sponge
Die Vos........Divorce
New Brand......Brand New
Istill.........Steel
Bowel..........Bowl
Jee TV.........Zee TV
Juniversity....University
Istawbury......Strawberry
Isscooter......Scooter
dismiss........Screwdriver
Kale...........Tomorrow and Yesterday
Vija...........Visa

Indian slang

Many of these terms occur in the Cape Town and Durban areas, and few in Indian areas in Gauteng.A Cover - an insurance policy, as in:

An' all - like the English 'et cetera, et cetera'.

Boarded-off - declared medically unfit to work, and in receipt of a disability pension, As in: 'My daddy was so lucky to have been BOARDED OFF by the corporation'

Bring and Come - an expression normally denoting some type of unspecified invitation to come and perform a particular task at a given location, I.e. 'I told dat TV repair balie to Bring and Come and fix DA TV'

Bung - to be afraid of someone.

Bunny Chow - type of food, made with a loaf of bread filled with a curry stew.

Cake - idiot (MINESH)

Cameway - arrived. Used in Durban.

Charra - a person of Indian origin. From the word "curry" (or tea).

Choon - to tell someone something.

Clips - Money, used in Gauteng / Lenasia

Coat - meaning "quote", mis-pronounced, with a completely inaudible KW sound. As in Hey, can you give me a coat to fix my car?

Crown - money

Guzzie - friend (from the Zulu guz'lam)

Hit a Luck - expression, to have met with good fortune. As in, 'hey my bru HIT A LUCK, eee got graft at the Casino. Also often noted in the form HIT SUCH A LUCK

Jaaver - An Afrikaner person.

Kerel - police man

Laanie - From the Afrikaans word meaning "fancy", but used by Indian people to mean "smart guy" ("Smart" as in "well-to-do") or, more frequently, "boss". Compare larnie.

Late - A euphemism for dead/deceased; as in 'My daddy is 2 years late'. (Unconnected with the idea of tardiness.)

Maader - excellent, very good (used especially by Durban Indians)

Min-rill - from the English word "mineral", meaning mineral water; taken to mean any fizzy drink in a bottle, normally Coke, Fanta, etc

Mooing - to flirt. From the Afrikaans word mooi meaning "nice"/"pretty".

Onetime - Meaning "of course", "without delay"; often used as a positive reply to a question.

Ou - A person, homo sapiens

Charr Ou - An Indian person Bruin Ou - A Coloured person

Correct Ou - A good guy

Gorra Ou - A White person (insulting usage)

Pekkie Ou - A Black African person (derogatory; from the Zulu word for "cook") Porridge Ou - A Tamil person

Raven Ou - A Black African or, sometimes, Tamil person. From the Hindu deity Raven[citation needed], reputedly dark-skinned. (Insulting usage.)

Roti Ou / Bread Ou Hindi person

Slum Ou - A Muslim person

Wit Ou - A White person

Pano - money, from the Tamil word for "money". Commonly used by all South African Indian linguistic groups as a euphemism for money

Patla, flouie - usually used to describe poor (unfunny) jokes. Patla can also refer to any kind of damp squib.

Patla Patla - often refers obliquely to having sex; imitating the sound of two bodies meeting. Pehrer - A fight. (Often heard as "Who's gunning a pehrer?" meaning "Who's looking for a fight?")

Poke - stab

Pozzy - House or home; place where one you lives or hangs out.

Right - An affirmation, mostly used while giving traffic directions, as in "Go straight, Right. Turn Left, Right."

Slaan -wear (as in clothes)

Slaat - action like hit. For example: Don't choon me what what an' all, I slaat you one time laanie.

Stekie - girl/girlfriend

Swaai - to dance. (For example: "Lets vaai (go) swaai.")

Swak - bad

Toppie - an older male authority-figure. Often used by Indians but also by working-class whites. From an Indian word for "hat".

Tannie - female version of toppie, from the Afrikaans word for "Aunty".

Vrou - my wife, as in 'Ek sê, I must first ask my Vrou'; from the Afrikaans word for 'wife"/"woman".

Tum-Blahh - from the English word "tumbler", meaning a heavy glass. As in: 'hey boy, run and get a Tum-blah for the larnie to have some Min-rill'

What Kind - Greeting, similar to Howzit

What What - mostly used in arguments, meaning "this and that". Often heard as what you say what what

Chatsworth Star Wars

Ripper ou's

Darth Vader: "There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. Luke, you
do not yet realize your importance. You've only begun to discover your
power. Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined
strength we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the
galaxy."

Luke Skywalker: "I'll never join you!"

Darth Vader: "If you only knew the power of the Dark Side. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father."

Luke Skywalker: "He told me enough! He told me you killed him!"

Darth Vader: "No. I am your father."

Luke Skywalker: "No. That's not true! That's impossible!"

Darth Vader: "Search your feelings. You know it to be true."

Luke Skywalker: "Noooooooo!"

Darth Vader: "Luke, you can destroy the Emperor. He has foreseen this.It is your destiny. Join me, and together we shall rule the galaxy as father and son. Come with me. It is the only way."

And now we replace Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker by Dark Veda (or Burnt Veda) and Logendren Skywalkersamy.
Now the dialogue goes like this:

Dark Veda: "The is no escape ekse....I got my gonie for you now.....Logendren...eh...you dunno how powerful you are...you gettrance..and can bless all the peoples...come with me to isipingo templeand I cut one black fowl for you and together we run unit nine."

Logendren Skywalkersamy: "hull....I never spin with you"

Dark Veda: "If you only knew the power of the black fowlprayers....Didn't the temple aunty choon you about your ballie."

Logendren Skywalkersamy: "She reckon you poked him with your gonie!"

Dark Veda: "Ekse I am your ballie"

Logendren Skywalkersamy: "Aiyooooo, say sathi-ma....can't be "

Dark Veda: "Search the records at Khans hospital....it's true"

Logendren Skywalkersamy: "Aiyooooooooo........"

Dark Veda: "Logendren, you can dallah the bengal tiger, the temple aunty has chooned me. But this is for your destiny according to the oroscopes in the post. Came way my lightie let's rule this unit like ballie and lightie....came way ekse"

Dear Pushpa

How U, never hear from you sooo long. I was keep on telling Kalay I wanna write you about this husban of mine giving me so much worries man,he donno he's getting old now, I heard he's flooking all the young young girls this side, hey I donno what he's dwing like this Pushpa,he's taking all my money and pushing in they mouth.

You no my sugar and pressure everything went way so high the other day I actually thought, thava this is the end for me.I kan take his nonsense.And as for Bobby you no that son of mine instead of gweing for the young girls he got one married thing from this side ayo Pushpa she look like she's his mother,and she wear short short mini skirt and stretch her legs and sit, I jus feel like tearing her thighs, so much stretch marks and all on her legs but she wanna act like one young girl. You no this father and son they just finish me and leave me. They rather put me in the homes I think I'll be better off.

Even Rani, I sent her to school and everything, gave so nice ejucation, ever since she moved to Joberg and started work she never give 1 cent for me ay, I suffered and gave birth to her,but all that they don't worry about, she even got one white man that's side ayo you mus hear how she twist her tongue and talk, kan even recornise my own blood children anymore.

So wen you coming home,you still so fat like that or you lost little bit weight. I saw this thing on TV for losing wait. I'll get the name and send you please call me, then you phone and I'll tell you, but if I give you 1 miss call U must no I never get it right.

Ok I'm gweing now I got the doll on the stove, oh I made dry fish chutney and meali rice the other day we all was talking about you, how we should eat together. Sooo nice ay.

Ok I'm gweing now I got the doll on the stove, oh I made dry fish chutney and meali rice the other day we all was talking about you, how we should eat together. Sooo nice ay.

Ok bye Pushpa,

Take care eh. And must tell me if Silverani gave you the ashes from the temple thatha

Bye now okay.

Jhilmeet